In Limbo

In Limbo

I’ve become so routined in my packing, include the essentials, pack it neatly, pack it tightly and have my mother rework it. What will this bring me? What will I know in 6 months time that I do not know now? It’s so cyclical and it’s so strange. Why choose to live this way? I’m often that of a dog with its tail between it’s legs. I hope nobody sees this.

I leave and then I leave again. It’s always about the leaving and less about the appearing. In this tedious process I slowly begin to feel signs of growth, this mostly comes from points of tension or new feelings mainly consisting of discomfort. I think to myself, okay. This is what I came for. It doesn’t ease it but it provides reasoning, it gives me a safety net- although very thin and sometimes malfunctioning, it guides me.  All I seek is newness, it comes in many different forms but mostly people and places. Within this and throughout the past two years of my life, I feel deep sensations of gratitude and highs that I couldn’t describe if I tried but almost simultaneously I feel intense longing for a home, and for deep rest. Do you feel free? Yes. But the highs fade and the low comes rolling in like the tide during a thunderstorm. But don’t misunderstand, this process is the most present part of my life- it’s fast and it’s often. Leaving is unsettling, I often doubt the circumstances even when every natural element of my life says to go. It’s interesting to say the least. Wild, overwhelming, intense, heartbreaking, sad, nostalgic, ecstatic, fearful and most of all joyous. We see the same stars, we all rest our heads on the same planet and feel the universal weight of simply existing. We’re the same, you and I. There is weakness and there is darkness but in these short moments that we feel safe and true, there is an describable realness, there is acclimation that we do not have to force. I remember there is no moment of definition, there is no understanding.

Though, there is acceptance, and letting go.

And then there’s feelings of grief and confusion, and sorrow as well.

What do we do with this?

Live through it? Speak about it? Build a fortress to prevent the pain and then tear it down?

Be brave I tell myself.

I know I must love myself, despite the stipulations and the agony.

I am trying to work through a world that hurts me- that makes me uneasy.

I am trying not to tiptoe, and rather shamelessly stomp around. I don’t want to pull back, I want to give myself a shove followed by an embrace.

How do I hold myself with patience and with care? With no resentment lingering? 

I am learning to use the fiery, potent, and vigorous love that I can so easily give to others, to shift that energy towards an extraordinary care for the one person who needs it most- me. 

So why are we all rushing? What’s the hurry? I think everyday I feel more and more resilient, I feel stronger, I feel more myself. It’s addicting, the process. I urge you to think critically about what you know about yourself, what makes you function? What brings you to states of bliss? What scares you? And if those answers do not come, what is the art of waiting for them? I always vowed to myself that no matter how hard or unfair the circumstances in my life may seem, I will always let light in, I will always ensure it is exciting and full of love and happiness. Attempt after attempt, I will continue to try until I get it right. So, if you want to check in, just know this is all part of it. Nobody needs to understand this but me.

Blaze

0 notes